Kids’ shyness and showing off have one thing in common. They are both
behaviours that bring them a great deal of attention.
Showing-off is an active ‘Notice me’ behaviour. By definition it is hard
to ignore as showing-off is irritating, in your face, “look at moi, look
at moi” behaviour. Show-offs generally get what they want – heaps of
B-grade attention ranging from comments such as “Aren’t you clever?”
through to “For goodness put a sock in it!”
Shyness is a passive ‘Help me’ behaviour that has a dramatic effect on
most adults. They will go out of their way to make sure shy kids are
included in social activities, coaxing them to become involved with
others, urging them to speak and encouraging them to be more social.
Sometimes adult over-compensate, which makes children feel helpless and
reinforces the notion that they need to be rescued or receive special
assistance.
Recently, a swimming teacher handled a child’s shyness in an effective
way. A six year old girl, just introduced to a swimming class, stood
away from the rest of the children while the teacher began the lesson.
The teacher noticed the girl but didn’t respond. Her mother, who was
hovering like a helicopter on the sidelines, told her to join the class.
The teacher’s response was fascinating. He turned to Miss Shy, who was
standing three metres from the group, with her head down, and said, “Hi
Delia. I see you don’t want to join us yet. That’s okay. Join in when
you are ready.” He then turned his attention to his teaching. Five
minutes later Delia jumped in the pool and joined in the water
activities. Delia realised that her ‘help me’ behaviour and attitude
wasn’t go to work with this swimming teacher.
Kids are smart. They don’t act in vacuum. They keep the behaviours that
work in terms of gaining a pay-off and discard, even momentarily, those
that don’t get a pay-off.
Shy or just slow-to-warm up
The Australian Temperament Project released in 2001 gives an interesting
insight into shyness. It looked at sociability as a dimension of
temperament. At one end of the sociability scale there are children who
are outgoing and approach new situations easily. At the other end of the
scale there are children who are slow to warm-up to people and are
cautious in their interactions with others. This longitudinal project
noted that children’s sociability doesn’t change much over time. If you
have a slow-to-warm child then they will in all likelihood take their
time to warm to new social situations even as they move through to
adulthood. That is the way of it. So avoid overcompensating and making
problems where there are none.
Focus on behaviours not on temperament
Labels such as “she is a shy child” with kids as they tend to become
self-fulfilling prophecies. Instead, focus on behaviours and be positive
in your response when children are less than enthusiastic to join in. If
your child is slow-to-warm up when it comes to new situations then:
1. Give them the time to warm up. Linger a little if your child is
clingy, but not for too long. Move away and show your confidence in
their ability to adjust to new situations. Let them know you will be
back later.
2. Encourage them with a “you can do it” attitude but without giving
undue attention to them. Kids take their cues from their parents so
avoid making a big deal about not joining in an activity. It is okay to
withdraw and not join in from time to time.
3. Prepare children for new situations. Either give them information
about what they may expect (“there will be a lot of kids there so look
around for someone who is playing on his own…..”) or role play or
practise new situations in the relative safety of home.
* * *
Michael Grose is a popular parenting educator and parent coach. He is
the director of Parentingideas, the author of seven books for parents
and a popular presenter who speaks to audiences in Australia, Singapore
and the USA. For free courses and resources to help you raise happy kids
and resilient teenagers visit
http://www.parentingideas.com.au
Article Source: http://EzineArticles.com/?expert=Michael_Grose
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