Every year over one million parents have to talk to their kids about
divorce. For each parent, the discussions differ, but the goals of the
discussions are universal: to openly and honestly reassure your child of
your love.
Divorce is painful and traumatic for all involved – spouses and children
alike. We all happily begin our lives together full of shared hopes and
dreams and committed to a lasting and loving relationship. Yet almost 50
% of today’s marriages end in divorce. How parents handle divorce,
however, makes the difference in their children's healthy adjustment or
potential maladjustment.
Here’s an example of how to begin talking to your child about your
divorce.
Let’s meet Brad: Brad is 9 years old and an only child. He’s the apple
of his mother’s eye and dad’s best buddy. Brad is at the top of his
class in school and participates in the school band and in the spelling
bee. He’s also an active athlete – playing intramural hockey and soccer,
and running competitively. Both of his parents attend all of his sports
and school activities.
One day to his surprise Dad takes him out after a soccer game and tells
him "I have something sad to tell you. Mom and I are having a hard time,
and you may have noticed something wasn't right between us, and you are
right. We’re going to live in different houses and you’ll be spending
some of the week with me and some with your Mom. I know this will be
difficult for all of us. So we should talk about it openly together and
about what we're both feeling."
Discussing divorce with your children is never easy. Here are some tips
to help ease this transition.
1. Communicate with your spouse (partner): Although things have not
worked out in the marriage, the two of you still have children to raise
together. Be sure you both are in agreement as to the timeline of the
change and give your children clear dates and details. The more solid
the plan, the less anxiety your child will experience.
2. Use age appropriate language and details: A five-year-old and
ten-year-old understand very different things and have different levels
of maturity. Follow their questioning before offering details. Be
honest, but remember what is appropriate for the age of the child or
they will not comprehend the situation.
3. Reassurance: Reassure them that they will continue to be loved and
cared for by the two of you. Let your children know that your love for
one another has changed, but that your love for them remains strong and
constant. Reiterate that the divorce is not their fault.
4. Discretion: Make an agreement with your spouse to not speak badly
about the other spouse to the children. Refrain from arguing in front of
the children and do your best to keep them out of your conflict!
5. Know yourself: Be aware of your own feelings of hurt or anger. Do not
make a child a confidant for the pain the divorce is causing you. Seek a
support group to help you through this period. Share your feelings with
friends and professionals. Children are not therapists!
Always remember: Strive to be communicative and honest during and after
the divorce process because there will be different degrees of feelings
over the event as time goes on. If you're communicating honestly,
however, you can never hurt your child.
Dr. Charles Sophy currently serves as Medical Director for the Los
Angeles County Department of Children and Family Services (DCFS), which
is responsible for the health, safety and welfare of nearly 40,000
foster children. He also has a private psychiatry practice in Beverly
Hills, California. Dr. Sophy has lectured extensively and is an
Associate Clinical Professor of Psychiatry at the University of
California Los Angeles Neuro-Psychiatric Institute. His lectures and
teachings are consistently ranked as among the best by those in
attendance.
Dr. Charles Sophy, author of the “Keep ‘Em Off My Couch” blog, provides
real simple answers for solving life’s biggest problems. He specializes
in improving the mental health of children. To contact Dr. Sophy, visit
his blog at http://drsophy.com.
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