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Inside the minds of
school-aged kids...
by Jill Urbane, The
Mentor Mom
You know, I remember after getting through a bumpy patch with my son during
the sassy preschooler stage thinking, "Phew, things should get a bit easier for
a while." Boy, was I wrong.
Don't get me wrong, the behaviors got easier to deal with, but the issues got
deeper, e.g., not fitting in, being left out, bullying, etc. I think sometimes
we as adults forget how hard it can be to navigate the elementary school years
from a kid's point of view. I add that last phrase as often, we see these issues
as "nothing big" to quote a well intentioned dad I know. Of course, to our kids
these issues are huge. Navigating the social strata of the school environment
can make the remainder of their school experiences a blessing or a curse.
The question is, how do we help our kids through tough times in school? I think
the biggest road block is finding out what is going on at school. Oh sure, they
will tell us about the comings and goings of kids and who got in trouble during
casual conversations in the car or at the dinner table. But how often do they
share the things that are worrying them most? It takes a conscious effort on our
part to seek this information out as well as finesse to do so in a way that
makes our children open to sharing their biggest fears.
Case in point, Thing One has been in a funk mood for about a week. He has just
been more emotional and somewhat sullen or melancholy. It was apparent to my
husband and I that he was stressed about something. It took one of our pillow
time talks (which admittedly has not been occurring as frequently as they
should) and some well worded questions to open the flood gates. So many worries
were swirling around that little head! After about an hour of listening and
empathizing, he was able to get out all his worries and I am happy report that
my little guy is back to his happy self.
So, I thought I would share some tips on how to get inside the mind of school
aged kids. One of the best ways to do so is to ask open ended questions. I know,
this sounds like common sense, but it can be tricky.
For example, "what's wrong" is often followed by "I don't know." Not that it
works all the time, but sometimes you can follow that up with a trick question
such as "If you did know, what would it be?" This question often throws kids off
so much that they are able to answer it.
Ask them about their worries or concerns. This type of questioning is
a great way to get kids talking. Phrasing such as "I wonder if you have any
worries or concerns about anything?" If they seem confused, it often helps to
clarify that question such as "You know, worries or concerns. Like this week, I
am worried about whether I am going to be able to get everything I need to get
done before the party at our house on Friday." You can ask the question
according to location, e.g., "I wonder if there is anything that worries or
concerns you at school" or "at home" or "during baseball practice," etc. Kids
carry worries and concerns just as we do.
Be a good listener. We often want to go into "fix it" mode or solve
the problem for them which often falls on deaf ears. Imagine telling a co-worker
about a really concerning question and they go right into "Well, all you have to
do is..." Chances are you are going to feel that they don't get you or
understand what you are feeling. The key to being a good listener is to be
empathetic. If your child says they are being left out of games at recess,
follow up with an empathetic statement, e.g., "That must make you feel lonely?"
When kids realize that we "get them," they are going to be more willing to share
those worries and concerns and to consider any suggestions we might have for
them on how to handle the situation. Of course this works with grown ups too.
One of my favorite sayings is "People don't care what you know until they know
that you care."
On that last point, ask permission to share advice. Nobody likes
feeling lectured, especially our kids. If you have some advice to share, ask
them if they want to hear it first. Nine times out of ten, they will say "yes."
By asking permission, you are letting them know that you want to help but
respect their right to solve the problem on their own.
Keep in mind that as parents, kids often don't get that we had the same
experiences in school. When we try to share the "when I was a kid" stories,
they often shut down. Despite this, your childhood experiences can be helpful
especially if you share the stories with a twist. For example, instead of using
"when I was a kid" make it about "I once new a kid who..." Sometimes it is
easier for our children to envision other kids having similar experiences versus
their parents who they see as invincible.
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Article by Jill Urbane,
The Mentor Mom
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