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Grandparents - Their Joys and Challenges
By Frankie Goh
"I love being a grandparent! You enjoy your grandchildren without feeling
accountable or responsible for them. You realize that you have an influence on
their lives but that ultimately you don't have the final say. Their parents
do."
Gene, a grandparent.
WHAT is it about being a grandparent that can evoke such enthusiasm? Researchers
point out that the normal demands that parents naturally place upon children can
generate a lot of tension. Because grandparents usually do not have to make such
demands, they can enjoy a much more stress-free relationship with grandchildren.
As Arthur Kornhaber, M.D., puts it, they are free to love their grandchildren
simply "because they breathe." A grandmother named Esther says: "With my own
children, my daily emotions were so involved with everything they did. As a
grandparent, I feel free to just enjoy and love my grandchildren."
Then there is the increased wisdom and competence that come with age. No longer
young and inexperienced, grandparents have years of parenting under their belts.
Having learned from their mistakes, they may be more competent in handling
children than they were when they were younger.
Dr. Kornhaber thus concludes: "A healthy and loving bond between grandparents
and grandchildren is necessary for the emotional health and happiness of all
three generations. This bond is a natural birthright for children, . . . a
legacy bequeathed by their elders that benefits everyone in the family." The
journal Family Relations similarly notes: "Grandparents who participate and
identify with the role of grandparent develop an increased sense of well-being
and morale."
A Grandparent's Role
There are many valuable roles that grandparents can fill. "They can be
supportive of their married children," says Gene. "I think that by doing so,
they can offset some of the tough circumstances that young parents find
themselves in." Grandparents can also do much to support the grandchildren
themselves. It is often the grandparent who passes on the stories that give a
child a sense of family history. Grandparents frequently play a key role in
passing on a family's religious heritage.
In many families, grandparents serve as trusted mentors. "Maybe there are things
that children will share with you that they are not comfortable talking about
with their parents," says Jane, mentioned in the first article. Parents
generally welcome such added support. According to one study, "over 80 percent
of the teenagers viewed their grandparents as confidantes. . . . A large
proportion of adult grandchildren maintain contact with their closest
grandparents on a regular basis."
A loving grandparent can be especially important to a child who lacks proper
nurturing at home. "My grandmother was the most important person in my early
childhood," writes Selma Wassermann. "It was my grandmother who stepped in and
filled my world with nurturing. She had a lap bigger than Miami Beach, and when
she took me into it, I knew I was safe. . . . It was from my grandmother that I
learned the most important things about myself-that I was loved and therefore
lovable."
Family Tensions
Grandparenthood is not without potential tensions and problems, though. One
parent, for example, recalls a bitter dispute with her mother over the proper
method of burping a baby. "It caused a breach between us at a very vulnerable
moment for me." Understandably, young parents want their parents to approve of
the way they raise their children. Suggestions from their well-meaning parents
can thus feel like devastating criticism.
In his book Between Parents and Grandparents, Dr. Kornhaber tells of two parents
with another common problem. Says one parent: "I get invaded every day by my
parents, and they are upset if I am not at home when they come. . . . They don't
think about me-my feelings and my privacy." Complains another: "My parents want
to possess my little girl. They eat, sleep, and think Susie twenty-four hours a
day. . . . We are thinking of moving away."
Sometimes grandparents are also accused of spoiling their grandchildren by
showering them with gifts. Of course, generosity is as natural to a grandparent
as breathing, but some do seem to go overboard in this regard. At times, though,
parental complaints may spring from jealousy. "My parents were strict and harsh
with me," confesses Mildred. "With my kids they are generous and [permissive]. I
am jealous because they haven't changed the way that they act towards me at
all." Whatever the motives or reason, it can cause problems if a grandparent
does not respect the parents' wishes when it comes to gift giving.
Grandparents are thus wise to show discretion in their displays of generosity.
Too much of even a good thing can be bad. If you are not sure what kinds of
gifts are appropriate, consult with the parents. In this way you will "know how
to give good gifts."
Love and Respect-The Keys!
Sad to say, some grandparents complain that their work as caretakers and
babysitters is taken for granted. Others feel that they are not given enough
access to their grandchildren. Yet others say that their adult children have
shunned them without even explaining why. Such painful problems can often be
averted if family members show one another love and respect.
Perhaps you are a young parent and Grandma makes a well-meaning but irritating
suggestion or observation. Do you really have grounds to "become provoked"? And
do not you and the grandparents want the same thing-the very best for your
children? Since love "does not look for its own interests," perhaps it is best
to focus on the needs of the child-not on your own feelings. Doing so might help
you to avoid "forcing one another to a showdown" over every trivial irritation.
Granted, you may fear that too much generosity will spoil your child. But
usually a grandparent does not have evil motives when he or she is generous.
Most child-care professionals agree that how you train and discipline your child
will have a far greater impact than the occasional intervention of a
grandparent. One doctor advises: "Maintaining a good sense of humor helps."
If you have legitimate cause for concern over some child-care issue, do not cut
your parent or in-law off from contact with your children. Oftentimes, solutions
can be worked out.
Are you a grandparent? Then showing respect for your grandchild's parents is
essential. Of course, you would feel obliged to speak up if you felt that your
grandchild was in danger. But while it is natural for you to love and cherish
your grandchildren, parents-not grandparents-have the responsibility of raising
their children. So try to avoid barraging their parents with unrequested advice
or undermining parental authority.
True, stepping back, holding your tongue-and perhaps your breath-and letting
your children do their job as parents is not always easy. But as Gene puts it,
"unless they ask for advice, you have to go with what they feel is best for
their children." Says Jane: "I am careful not to say, 'This is the way it should
be done!' There are a lot of different ways to do things, and if you're
opinionated, it can cause problems."
What Grandparents Can Give
By taking an interest in your grandchildren, you can be a powerful influence
in their lives, helping them to develop godly values.
You can also be a source of needed love and affection. True, you may not be the
gushy, affectionate type. However, godly love can also be shown by taking a
sincere, unselfish interest in your grandchildren. Writer Selma Wassermann says:
"Showing interest in what the child is telling you . . . will certainly indicate
your caring. Being a good listener, not interrupting, being uncritical-all
communicate regard, affection, prizing." For a grandchild, such loving attention
can be one of the finest gifts a grandparent can give.
Our discussion has thus far focused on the traditional grandparenting roles.
Many of today's grandparents, however, carry a much heavier load.
"It was from my grandmother that I learned the most important things about
myself-that I was loved and therefore lovable"
Tips for Long-Distance Grandparents
• Ask the parents to send you videotapes or pictures of the grandchildren.
• Send audiotape "letters" to your grandchildren. For small children, record
yourself singing lullabies.
• Send the grandchildren postcards and letters. If possible, establish a regular
correspondence with them.
• If you can afford it, keep in touch with your grandchildren by long-distance
telephone. When talking to small children, start conversations by asking simple
questions, such as, "What did you have for breakfast?"
• If possible, make regular, brief visits.
• Arrange with the parents for your grandchildren to visit your home. Plan fun
activities, such as going to zoos, museums, and parks.
* * * * * *
Frankie Goh is a full-time family counsellor and researcher. He manage and host a website :
Earn Money Online
Article Source:
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