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Children Learn What They Live
by Denis Waitley
An ancient Chinese proverb tells us, "A child's life is like a piece of paper
on which every passerby leaves a mark." We cannot teach our children
self-esteem. We can only help them discover it within themselves by adding
positive marks and strokes on their slates. All positive motivation is rooted in
self-esteem the development of which, just as with other skills takes
practice. Think of self-esteem as a four-legged chair.
A Sense of Belonging: The first leg of self-esteem is a sense of
belonging. We all have a deep-seated need to feel we're part of something larger
than ourselves. This need, which psychologists call an affiliation drive,
encompasses people, places and possessions. Our instinct for belonging for
being wanted, accepted, enjoyed, and loved by close ones is extremely
powerful. It explains the bond of an extended family, friends, and teammates. It
also explains why some adolescents join gangs. They want to belong, even if it's
wrong.
Make your children proud of their family heritage and make your home a place
where they feel safe, loved and welcome. Also, make your home a place where your
children want to bring their friends, rather than a place they want to leave as
soon as possible.
A Sense of Individual Identity: The second leg, which complements the
sense of belonging, is a sense of individual identity. No human being is exactly
like another, not even an identical twin. We are all unique combinations of
talents and traits that never existed before and will never exist again in quite
the same package. (This explains why most parents believe their children came
from different planets!)
Observe your children as they grow and play. Watch their learning styles. Notice
what they love to do in their free time. Help them discover their unique
positive talents and help nurture them into skills. Report cards don't
necessarily measure talents. They often are a measure only of discipline, memory
and attention span.
A Sense of Worthiness: The third leg of self-esteem is a sense of
worthiness, the feeling that I'm glad I'm me, with my genes and background, my
body, my unique thoughts. Without our own approval, we have little to offer. If
we don't feel worth loving, it's hard to believe that others love us; instead,
we tend to see others as appraisers or judges of our value.
Show your children unconditional love. Carefully separate the doer from the
deed, and the performer from the performance. The message: "I love you no matter
what happens, and I'm always there for you" is one of most important concepts in
building a feeling of worthiness or intrinsic value in children. After every
reprimand, let them know you love them. Before they go to sleep at night, give
them the reassurance that, regardless of what happened that day, you love them
unconditionally.
A healthy sense of belonging, identity, and worthiness can only be rooted in
intrinsic core values as opposed to outer, often material, motivation. Without
them, we depend on others constantly to fill our leaking reserves of self-esteem
but also tend to suspect others of ulterior motives. Unable to accept or
reject others' opinions for what they're worth, we are defensive about criticism
and paranoid about praise and no amount of praise can replace the missing
qualities.
A healthy sense of belonging, identity, and worthiness is also essential to
belief in your dreams. It is most essential during difficult times, when you
have only a dream to hang on to.
A Sense of Control and Competence: Early in my career in motivational
psychology, I thought the chair of self-esteem balanced firmly on those three
legs, especially since they involved intrinsic core values. It took much time
and research to realize that a fourth leg one of the most important was
missing.
There are many reasons why few Americans currently in high school and college
believe they were born to win. The supportive extended family in many cases,
even the nuclear family is disappearing. Role models are increasingly
unhealthy. The commercial media bombards young senses ever more insistently with
crime, violence, hedonism, and other unhealthy forms of escape. But whatever the
explanation, constructive citizens and leaders in society cannot emerge and
develop without the creative imagination that serves them like fuel which is
why the apprehension, frustration, and hesitation I see and hear in the younger
generation is cause for concern. At the moment, the future they imagine will
help drive neither happiness nor success.
The chair's fourth leg is self-efficacy, a functional belief in your ability to
control what happens to you in a changing, uncertain world. A sense of
worthiness may give you the emotional means to venture, but you need
self-efficacy, the sense of competence and control, to believe you can succeed.
That's why it is so important to assign responsibility for small tasks to your
children as early as possible so they can learn that their choices and efforts
result in consequences and successes. The more success they experience, the
stronger their confidence grows and the more responsibility they want to
assume.
Give them specific household chores and duties they can accomplish and be proud
of. Teach them that their problems and setbacks are just temporary
inconveniences and learning experiences. Emphasize it constantly: Setbacks are
not failures.
Armed with a view of failure as a learning experience, children can develop an
early eagerness for new challenges and will be less afraid to try new skills.
Although they appreciate compliments, they benefit most from their own belief
that they are making a valuable contribution to life, according to their own
internal standards.
In an increasingly competitive global marketplace, each new, young member of the
workforce simply must believe that he or she is a team leader, a self-empowered,
quality individual who expresses that quality in excellent production and
service. With increasing pressures on profit and the need to do more with fewer
workers because of e-commerce and changing technology, it is essential that
parents and business leaders help raise the value of their childrens' and
employees' stock in themselves.
Our Kids are Not Our Clones
One of the most valuable lessons I have learned in being an effective family
leader and in raising six children is to: "Treat our children with the same
respect, we expect from them." Our children are not clones or copies of us.
Although they mimic us and other adults as role models, they cannot be expected
to feel or act the way we do. Kahlil Gibran is my favorite on the subject:
Your children are not your children.
They are the sons and daughters of Life's longing for itself
.
You may give them your love but not your thoughts,
For they have their own thoughts.
You may house their bodies but not their souls,
For their souls dwell in the house of tomorrow, which you cannot visit,
Not even in your dreams.
You may strive to be like them, but seek not to make them be like you.
For life goes not backward nor tarries with yesterday.
Seeds of Greatness
The Value-Based Family
Enrichment Program
for 21st Century Leaders by Dr. Denis Waitley and
Dr. Maryann Rosenthal
The instruction manual that should have been
delivered with each child.
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Reproduced with permission from the Denis Waitley Ezine. To
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www.DenisWaitley.com Copyright 2009 Denis Waitley International. All rights
reserved worldwide.
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