How To Handle A Child Who Hits You
By Anthony Kane MD
Quite often parents come to me, worried that their child has begun hitting
others. These children, usually between the ages of 2-6 now strike out
physically at anyone who denies them their wishes. This usually includes their
parents.
These mothers and fathers are understandably concerned that their children are
going off in the wrong direction.
We will now discuss young children who hit; what it means and what you as the
parent should do about it.
Aggressive Behavior in Young Children
The first thing a parent should realize is that aggressive behavior is both
normal and common in young children. A child under the age of six lacks the
maturity to hold back his impulse to bite, hit, or kick. A child may actually
know that hitting is wrong, but at this age often can't control himself.
Why a Child Hits
There are several reasons why a small child chooses to hit. I will go through
the common ones.
Frustration and Anger
Anger is a major problem with children. When a child gets angry, he is
expressing his utter frustration at the lack of control that he has over his
world.
Something happens that deeply troubles your son. He wants to do something and
you stop him. Since your child is young, even though his feelings are very
strong, he lacks the tools to express his frustration appropriately. This
further frustrates him and he explodes in anger. He may strike at you with the
only tools at his disposal, by hitting.
Inability to Communicate
One of the reason the "terrible two's" are terrible is that two year olds
have very strong wants and desires, but they lack the skills to communicate them
to others. Since they lack the verbal skills they express themselves by other
means. They have tantrums and they hit.
Let's take a common example. Your child wants to do something and you stop him.
This displeases him greatly.
He really wants to say to you: "Mommy, dear, I find it confining and inhibiting
when you don't let me explore my environment. If you will consult the latest
child developmental research you will realize that I have a need to learn about
my world and delve into its intricacies. This is how I grow and develop
intellectually. Don't you think it is unwise to be an overprotective parent?
Surely you don't want to stunt my growth. I plan to be in University in sixteen
years. How do you expect me to be prepared for it if you don't let me learn? So
please, just back off a little. I want to see what happens when I stick my fork
in the electrical outlet."
Most toddlers do not express themselves like this, but if they could this is the
type of thing they would say. Instead they express themselves with the tools
that they have available which include crying, tantrums, and hitting you.
Times of Stress
Growing up is hard work. Many times children, who face developmental
challenges and are under a lot of stress, go through an aggressive phase. This
can be because they have less energy for self control or because the stressful
event just pushes them over and makes every little inconvenience seem so much
bigger. The result is that such a child is more likely to resort to hitting.
Need to Feel Control
We all need to feel like we have control of the world around us and children
are no exception. However, your child has very little control over what happens
to him. Often hitting is your child's way of trying to control some aspect of
his world. It can be his form of self assertion.
Getting Attention
Your child needs your attention. Normally he would prefer to get it in a
positive way. However, negative attention is better than nothing. A child who is
frequently ignored may quickly discover that he becomes center stage when he
fights and hits others.
If you react strongly to your child's hitting you may be fueling a lot of future
problems. Reacting strongly to negative behavior encourages the child to
continue behaving badly.
This is one of the reasons How to Improve Your Child's Behavior spends so much
time focusing on developing positive attention.
Testing Your Rules
This is a less common reason for hitting. Children are constantly testing
their limits. A child may hit just to see if he can get away with it.
What to do About Hitting
Redirect
You can get your child to stop hitting by giving him another outlet to express
his frustration. You might be able to channel his desire to hit by giving him
something appropriate to strike. We have used a punching bag in the past. My
wife even drew a picture of each member of the family so the child could pound
the particular person that was causing him anger.
If you don't like a punching bag you can also use a doll or stuffed animal. One
parent chose to teach her child who had a biting problem to bite a doll.
Review the Incident
This works as your child gets older. After the crisis has passed go back over
the incident and talk it over with your child when he is calm and rational. Make
lists of what might work when he gets angry or when there is something you need
to tell him that he won't like. Now you are ready. When the next episode takes
place you can remind your child of your earlier conversation:
"You are getting angry again... remember what you and I have decided? We wrote
this down. We agreed that the next time you got angry you agreed you would...
instead of hitting people."
Teach Communication through Language
It is very healthy for a child to learn to use words to express negative
emotions. Teach them to say, "I am really mad right now!" or "I am fuming right
now!"
Once a child can express his feelings in a more direct and mature way, the
hitting will slowly stop.
Acknowledge Your Child's Feelings
Children hit because they can't communicate their feelings. When you acknowledge
your child's feelings you eliminate this reason for hitting.
Say things like:
"You must be very upset that I won't let you do----"
This does not mean you are giving in, but it will remove one of the causes of
his anger by showing him you understand his feelings. It is alright for a child
to feel angry. It is normal. What you want to teach him is to express anger in
ways other than hitting.
Teach that Hitting is Wrong
Even though your child may not be old enough to help himself, it is important
that your child know that aggressive behavior is wrong. Children don't know
automatically that hitting is wrong. This is something they have to be taught.
When your child tries to hit you, grab his hands firmly, look him in the eyes
and say:
"You are not allowed to hit Mommy."
Children's books that deal with anger are also a great teaching tool for
children. Pay Attention to Triggers
Pay attention to your child's daily cycles. Is there a particular time of day
that aggressive behavior increases? If your child loses control before dinner or
after school, it may just be a sign that he is hungry. Healthy snacks like nuts,
vegetables and fruits may take care of the problem.
Does your child hit when overtired? Then quiet time might be the answer. If you
pay attention to what is happening in your child's world, then you may find an
easy solution to much of his aggressive behavior.
Be a Good Role Model
I do not want to get into the issue of whether spanking a child is good or bad
parenting. However, children are more likely to hit if they see the parents
hitting. If you are concerned about aggressive behavior in your child, then your
child should not see you use spanking as a form of punishment. That means if you
choose to spank another child, you should do it privately and in a way your
aggressive child does not see or know about it.
Limit Exposure to Aggression
You should keep your children from seeing aggressive images on television, in
movies, and in books. You should also avoid aggressive video games and toys.
Conclusion
For most children, violent behavior is just a stage. Sooner or later they
grow out of it. Your job as a parent is to understand the cause of your child's
hitting. When you know this, you can begin to help your child express himself in
more appropriate ways.
Anthony Kane, MD is a physician and international lecturer who has been helping parents of children with ADHD and Oppositional Defiant Disorder online since 2003. Get help with Oppositional Defiant Disorder child behavior help with defiant teens ADHD treatment http://addadhdadvances.com and ADHD information.
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